My Thoughts. My Ideas. My Vision. My World.
Posts tagged ankur
10 Day ‘You’ Challenge – Day 4
4This seems like my favorite topic, and I am gonna make it quick. No, that’s not because I don’t have many wants. Okay, I will mail you my entire want-list in private someday provided you promise to get me at least 10% of those! O yeah!
Day 4 – seven wants
Some people want everything. Others want lesser things. Few of them want nothing. I am not sure which category I fall in, but I ‘want’ stuff, and that ‘stuff’ that I want… I want ‘em like a beast!
1. I want to have a super power; yes, a special power! Like Superman, right! But I want a different super power. One even Superman didn’t have. I want to be the master of space and time. Just like Hiro Nakamuro, in HEROES. There are a lot of things I wanna change with my past, and I don’t give a damn about butterfly effects that may follow! I just want to do that!
2. I want a good wardrobe; there are lots of books and clothes I got that are no where to be placed. But I think I can do without it for another few years, I don’t really NEED it.. but I want it!
3. I want to design and decorate my own house; I do, and perhaps the whole locality I live in. I want things to be my way, to be in my reach when I need them. A socket here, a ventilator there. I want everything to be exactly the way I am comfortable with. And oh, I am already designing the home I’ll live in someday in my head. No, you don’t even get to choose which color curtains to put in my room! Grr..
4. I want a huge LCD screen on the wall in my loo; Why? I get bored! =/
5. I want a Pokémon; a real one, and a pokéball as well. Umm, Jirachi would do.. or even Torchic. Yeah, I like baby pokémon. Dratini?
6. I want to write script for an Indian TV show; they really need fresh pair of eyes and a new perspective to start with. Enough of Saas-Bahu dramas. Cartoons on CN suck big deal these days and I am left with absolutely nothing to watch!
7. I want to go back to being 14 and stay that way for the rest of my life; No, I am not telling why I want that. It’s no ‘secrets‘ thread!
10 Day ‘You’ Challenge – Day 3
5I was working on blog today and had been making some changes. Yes, after a long time. Some of them you might have already noticed, others you will get to know with time. Few of them, however, you might never notice. One of those changes would be that I have been cleaning it’s code for hours now and you can feel it’s result by the amount of time it takes for pages to load. Yup, they now load 80% faster. No, I am not kidding man. Ah, yes, I was trying to avoid what I really HAVE to write.
Day 3 – eight fears
Who likes talking about their fears? Or thinking about them for that matter? I don’t. And I am definitely not an exception with that one! As much as I know how I am gonna regret starting to write this one, there are friends who have been wanting to read this since my last post. I am talking about you, yes! Stop pestering me on IMs. Cool, now you are dancing! BAH!
1. I fear letting down my family; They have expectations, most of which I have failed to match with in my recent past. That makes it worse. In everything I do, I want to do.. that fear persists. You may say I am being highly conscious, I will say I am just making sure I don’t knowingly (or unknowingly), do something that would hurt them.
2. I fear losing the people I love; Now when I say that I don’t actually mean losing them, I get uneasy when they spend more time with other people than they do with me. I behave and act in a highly possessive manner and that gets them irritated, most of them. I know I will lose one of them one day for that thing I do. I like being pampered. I like being with them. And I like letting them know that I will love them more than anyone will ever do. I know it’s not good at my part, but I am honest when I say that I love to be the reason they smile, the reason for their laugh and their joy. Anyone else does that, I feel terrible.. and lonely. But I am trying, trying not to be that person anymore.
3. I fear forgetting the real me; Lately there’s been a lot of stuff I added to my ‘now-working-on’ list and surprisingly I have been working on them in actual. Now it turns out (as other’s say), I have started drifting away from people I have been close to. People who care for me.. who love me. I do assure them of being the same person I was years ago, but I know I haven’t been the same really. But that’s that, I am still the person who loves them and wants to be with them. I just believe it’s high time I start working on the dreams I built with them over the years.
4. I fear dying before I achieve my goals; People will tell me to be optimistic and think positive, I know. But I can not ‘not-fear’ this aspect of my life. I have no idea when or where my life comes to it’s end and everything I did to achieve my dreams and goals turns zero and equals to null. That doesn’t affect my work however. I will always give each work of mine the sweet time it requires. Also, I have certain fantasies in my bucket list that I would love to live, at least once during my life.
5. I fear people who know me less over complete strangers; In fact I feel more comfortable talking to strangers than people I know, people who don’t know me good enough. This is because, chances are I’ll never see them again. And I can say things I want to say, keep the things I don’t wanna say. They aren’t going to pester me to ‘tell them the whole thing’. They can only judge me on the basis of what I am, then and there. On the other hand, people around, who care shit about me and what I do, are the ones I fear. For they are gonna say anything, and just about ANYTHING that crosses their sick minds to people I love. People who love me. They hurt them. I hate them!
6. I fear losing my phone; and I mean, any phone that I have. It is one way I connect with many people. People, who are an important part of my life. People, without talking to whom my day is obsolete and incomplete.
7. I fear I don’t have a stomach inside me; I am not kidding! Seriously! I eat a lot.. like A LOT! And it still doesn’t reflect anywhere on my body. So at times I fear my food pipe’s directly connected to my intestines and everything I take in, gets out as it is =/
8. I fear my laptop will explode someday; It has already started giving me signals.. alarming temperatures, ‘fcuked up‘ Windows notifications and shutting down abruptly every now and then. I need a new laptop already!
10 Day ‘You’ Challenge – Day 2
8O yes, o yes, I are here. I know half of them must have bet I wouldn’t come back, and rest of them.. well, they have a life and better stuff to do. Let’s get started.
Day 2 – nine loves
First of all, for people who think this post is gonna be all about my crushes and relationships and family.. I hate to break the bubble, there’s not much of that. I know, the minute most people hear the word ‘Love’ they go gaga thinking about their crushes, about those moments they think they fell for that someone at those first glances; The latest ring or dress their boyfriend got them, their childhood ‘best’ pals and few of them will even say they are in ‘love’ with their favorite movie stars. My take? You have gone brainsick at some point in your life, if you think you are one of the latter! Yes, we do love people, we even ‘fall in love’ with them, more than once sometimes. But I feel love is not just about that. About loving people. You love yourself. You even ‘love’ things that you do. You ‘love’ music.. some selected genre or artist maybe. You ‘love’ them. And I say that because they help you with self-realization. They help you connect with yourself. They please you. Those ‘loves’ make every breath of yours count, and they make your life worth living for.
1. 
my sister; I know I haven’t been a good brother in years, but I am making up for that. I really am. For it’s always her smile, that gets me smiling; Her laugh, that makes me happy; Her love, that peps up my life and makes me wanna go achieve all my dreams in life.
2. my Mumma; and that’s not because she gave me birth, but because she has always paved the path for me to become the person of my dreams.. OUR dreams. And she might not be with me at times, but I know it’s just because she wants me to stand on my two feet and be the man, responsible for his own stuff.
3. my family; for bearing with all my wrongs and cherishing with me all those joyous moments of my life. Among them, I always feel safe, and loved, of course. Just knowing that one of them will always be with me every time I need someone, makes me happy and satisfied with everything I do.
4. the people close to my heart; and when I say that, I know that they know that I am talking about them. I keep saying it to them. We share(d) moments that for sure will be treasured until eternity, if not cherished all of them. In fact, I end my conversations with most of them with a ‘I love you’.
5. my sleep; I do. I find answers to most of my life’s mysteries (read ‘miseries’) when I am asleep. Though many of those answers are gone when I wake up but I like to know I had them once. And that one thought suffices enough to get me through any long, tiring day that follows.
6. the sky; I can keep looking at it for hours and not get bored of doing that. It soothes my eyes. However, I never exactly know what they are keeping looking for out there. No, definitely not aliens! Also it calms my soul and gives me peace.. the night sky, for most of it.
7. soft music; It lets me walk in and out of my world whenever I want to, whenever I need to. All I have to do is put on my earplugs, close my eyes and lie down on bed and I will forget all my fears and anxieties for the next hour or so.
8. writing; I know you must be thinking I can’t really claim to do that because I haven’t been writing for a while, but it’s just that I feel comfortable penning down my feelings. I believe it’s more effective an influence and lasts longer.
9. my mobile; There! I said it! And I mean it! It helps me connect with the people I love and those who are at far away places. My mobile and I share memories, most of which are really worth savoring. I never delete any of my messages. I always have a backup log.
Those right above, are my nine loves. See you tomorrow.
10 Day You Challenge – Day 1
19Yes, I haven’t written anything in a while. I am sorry. No, I wasn’t fooling around. Yes, fine, I am a total jerk!
Honestly, I am not confident if this challenge will keep me writing stuff for ten straight days. 10 days is a lot of time. Also considering I have never written anything unless I really wanted to, I fear it’s going to end up with me giving up on it, or acting negligent, OR, I may even shut down my blog and hide somewhere for I don’t like to lose. That was absurd, I know, and totally random, yes. But I need this. I do realize now what my life has been missing for not writing the things that are required to be done. So I need to force myself into writing. And this challenge seems just the right thing for the moment.
Day 1 – ten secrets
Oh man, I am so gonna regret this! WTH was he THINKING? The person who came up with this challenge? 10 SECRETS! Bah!
1. You suck! No? OK, fine. I am completely dishonest at times. That’s something I do when I don’t feel safe telling the truth. And as much as I hate to say that but it happens more often with people in my real life than those online. No, not with the people close to my heart. I can’t lie to them. They’ll know when I do.
2. I don’t like family functions. Not that I hate them, I just think I got better stuff to do. Scooby Doo? WTH am I supposed to do among people who are 20 years older than me and talk stuff like business deals, stocks & shares and increasing expenses by their children. Duh-huh, I am not gonna start spending less just because you pick up that topic every time you walk into me.
3. I don’t like people waking me up in the morning. You do that, you make yourself worthy of my wrath. It’s as simple as that.
4. It’s been years since I have had a best friend. I have good friends. Ones I am really close with. But I miss something of some sort, something I had in my relations few years ago. Few of them will disagree with that, but I know it’s true. And that feeling of emptiness, of not having that ‘something’, someone, endures in my mind for most part.
5. There are things I might not react to at first. I will act as if they don’t matter to me, but the truth is, they do. When people ask me if I am happy with my college, I tell them yes, I couldn’t have been happier. Reality, I hate myself for not working harder in those two years and for not getting the college I promised one of my best friends back then.
6. I am pretty over-possessive when it comes to the people I love. And that feeling amplifies with time. I start judging and interpreting every single thing that happens to them. Everything they say and do, collects in my mind, which keeps processing those thoughts all day long. I can’t help not caring. I act protective, and don’t want them to get hurt. Most of the times, however, not letting anyone else hurt them, I end up hurting them myself.
7. Personally, I can’t stand people who keep whining… for attention most of them. Rest are useless chumps. Everyone deals with unexpected things in life. I don’t post facebook statuses to garner “Awww. I am sorry”s or tweets screaming for attention. The closest I ever get is angsty updates that either get deleted within hours or turn into good conversations. Also I ‘secretly’ pity people who try to be what they are not. They amuse me, really do. Honestly, I would like to know what makes them think that if they are not happy with the way they are, they will be happier being someone else. A copy, will always remain a copy. An original, will always be an original (#TalksLikeTVD). You try being what you are not, you will as well lose the only real identity you have.
8. I’m not a non-believer of God. I say I am but I am not. I just hate Him. ‘Hate’ is a strong word I know. And I hate Him. I have my reasons. And no, I don’t pray. I just leave Him messages before I sleep, telling Him how much I hate him for everything He has put me through. I don’t blame Him for the mistakes I commit. I just blame Him for the things He is responsible for in my life. It’s because people say it is Him who is responsible for them and that things like those can’t happen without His consent. So I am being my natural self holding a grudge against Him.
9. I don’t know if this is the inner child in me wanting to be different and unique, but my last name has always kind of bugged me. I never use my full name anywhere, unless it is mandatory. I think it’s too much of a common name – and that coming from someone named Supriya!
10. I am super-duper lazy. Yeah, that’s not much of a secret but you know… I am getting lazy to think of my secret no. 10 right now, so I guess I will just pass. No? Oh come’on! You know there is no limits to my laziness. I am so lazy I won’t even run if my a$$ was on fire. Ha, but I guess neither would you! Wouldn’t you just sit and rub it off the ground? 
The words not said..
10I had a wish that you be mine, just mine. I wanted you to love me. And I wanted to be there always, to love you. If only I knew it was a mistake, that I was just being selfish. Selfish enough not to think what it would do to you.. what it will do to us. I know I did something wrong. Then why doesn’t it feel so wrong. It seemed perfect. Life felt so real. And I wanted to have it, all of it.
I am sorry I went overboard with our relation, it wasn’t meant to go that way. I am sorry I got carried away.. with it’s emotions, love and serenity. With you life seemed so perfectly perfect that I just didn’t want to give it up, ever. All I wanted was every bit of love that you got. I wanted other’s share of it too. You must think I was selfish. When all I was doing was being stupid. I made our lives so obscure to deal with. I made it so small to comfort in. You and me, that was it. What I thought and I always knew but never realized, never wanted to realize was that it could never happen. You and me, it could never be that way. Life would never be the way we could be happy, together. Life ain’t programmed to keep everyone forever happy. I wish it did. And I know you’d wish the same. But I don’t know why it always has to be the harsh way. I hate myself for bringing tears to your eyes, rolling them down those sweet lil’ cheeks of yours.. the same I used to kiss each time. But there’s no other way out, none that I know of.. can think of. None that I can see. I wish I could create a world of our own. Far from our fantasy land, a real world. I would never ever hurt you then. All I will do then is love you.
You, I want you to know something. You are the most beautiful thing that has ever occurred to me. Now at this point, there is no way I can imagine how my past years would have been had you not been there with me. I don’t even wanna give it a try! With you I felt joy, I felt content and happiness. I discovered love, it’s beauty far and beyond. Fair or not, it never mattered. You were always the pretty lil’ princess with a lost shoe for me. I would have never ever let anyone hurt you. But now I realize, that sooner or later it will be me, hurting you. And it hurts to know that. That pain, of hurting you, echoes inside the emptiness of my head, killing each part in my body. It feels, that I have you and still you aren’t there with me. I can feel you, but still can not touch you. I can hear you saying it to me, but I can’t see you in front of me. I wish this was a dream. A dream I would soon wake up to.
I don’t know if I am doing the right thing. It just, it will lessen the amount I feel bad for being with you, later on. I am sorry I was so busy loving you, cherishing the love from you that I didn’t realize it wasn’t meant for me. And that you would never be able to love anyone again. That we would never be able to love anyone again. How easy it was for you to get me to promise that I will move on if I ever find someone else I like. Damn I couldn’t even get you to promise me that. If, by any means, there’ll ever be a wish that someone could grant me, then it will be, that you find someone, someone who’s better, someone more deserving, and definitely more luckier than me. I wish you’d find him soon because I know he will worth it having you in his life. And he will never ever gonna let you miss me.. miss loving me. I do love you!
Sometimes..
23Sometimes, here in this world… you feel as if you are left all alone, far away… You look around to see if anyone’s around, anyone… someone…. Someone you know… Someone you want to know… But there’s no one around, no one to care, no one who cares… That’s the time you need friends, that’s when you make friends!
When leaving for my college, I was sad. Desperate I was, to begin my college life… but that feeling of parting with friends was painful… It hurt, it still does. But at least, now I have, whom I would call, the best of friends. Before I came here in JUIT, I doubted if I would make friends, I doubted if I could still make friends. But here I got, undoubtedly the best, and perhaps for the first time, love beyond my expectations. Once again, life taught me, it’s better not to have expectations of anyone, about anything. Life never occurs the way you want it to be. There were times, when I needed my friends in my life, I wanted them to be there for me, and I wanted to be with them… But they weren’t. And now, when I wanted to be alone, when I wanted to stay away from all relations, everything, then I meet people with whom I can share everything and anything… with whom I can be the real me. But I don’t want this, really I don’t. Life has somehow been unfair. Each time I had loved someone from the core, each time I got spiritually attached to a person I have lost them outta my life. I am tired of it now. I’m left with no power whatsoever within, to bear another parting, seeing yet another person walking out of my life for no mistake of mine. It hurts. It would be good if I maintain a distance from the very beginning.. I don’t want to get addicted to someone; I don’t want someone to get addicted to me. When things never turn up as you want them to, I believed this was the only option I’m left with. I tried keeping to it. But at times I just can’t resist.. I feel I can’t keep a distance from them, but I do.. Somehow I convince myself. But the next moment I forget about it. It doesn’t bother me when people don’t share their feelings with me, but when a friend doesn’t, it does bother, a lot. That’s when I forget that it’s been me, who had been maintaining distance and not them. And that’s when it hurts again, and it’s more than the pain of losing a friend. Atleast there you know, there’s nothing you can do to get them back.. But here, you’ll have that “if only I knew” feeling, which makes you feel worse. Had a friend who one day, out of the blue, blurted out things on my face, which of course weren’t that good to hear, and when I came back to senses an hour later, I realized I had lost her.. After another hour passed, it dawned on me she never was my friend. Yes, if she would have been, she wouldn’t have left like this.. for no reason at all.. That’s another good thing about college. You learn to live and survive in the real world. Not all here who come forward as your friends are truly your friends.. I don’t think I need to explain this part. All of you must be having a good experience with this. Period.
