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10 Day ‘You’ Challenge – Day 3
5I was working on blog today and had been making some changes. Yes, after a long time. Some of them you might have already noticed, others you will get to know with time. Few of them, however, you might never notice. One of those changes would be that I have been cleaning it’s code for hours now and you can feel it’s result by the amount of time it takes for pages to load. Yup, they now load 80% faster. No, I am not kidding man. Ah, yes, I was trying to avoid what I really HAVE to write.
Day 3 – eight fears
Who likes talking about their fears? Or thinking about them for that matter? I don’t. And I am definitely not an exception with that one! As much as I know how I am gonna regret starting to write this one, there are friends who have been wanting to read this since my last post. I am talking about you, yes! Stop pestering me on IMs. Cool, now you are dancing! BAH!
1. I fear letting down my family; They have expectations, most of which I have failed to match with in my recent past. That makes it worse. In everything I do, I want to do.. that fear persists. You may say I am being highly conscious, I will say I am just making sure I don’t knowingly (or unknowingly), do something that would hurt them.
2. I fear losing the people I love; Now when I say that I don’t actually mean losing them, I get uneasy when they spend more time with other people than they do with me. I behave and act in a highly possessive manner and that gets them irritated, most of them. I know I will lose one of them one day for that thing I do. I like being pampered. I like being with them. And I like letting them know that I will love them more than anyone will ever do. I know it’s not good at my part, but I am honest when I say that I love to be the reason they smile, the reason for their laugh and their joy. Anyone else does that, I feel terrible.. and lonely. But I am trying, trying not to be that person anymore.
3. I fear forgetting the real me; Lately there’s been a lot of stuff I added to my ‘now-working-on’ list and surprisingly I have been working on them in actual. Now it turns out (as other’s say), I have started drifting away from people I have been close to. People who care for me.. who love me. I do assure them of being the same person I was years ago, but I know I haven’t been the same really. But that’s that, I am still the person who loves them and wants to be with them. I just believe it’s high time I start working on the dreams I built with them over the years.
4. I fear dying before I achieve my goals; People will tell me to be optimistic and think positive, I know. But I can not ‘not-fear’ this aspect of my life. I have no idea when or where my life comes to it’s end and everything I did to achieve my dreams and goals turns zero and equals to null. That doesn’t affect my work however. I will always give each work of mine the sweet time it requires. Also, I have certain fantasies in my bucket list that I would love to live, at least once during my life.
5. I fear people who know me less over complete strangers; In fact I feel more comfortable talking to strangers than people I know, people who don’t know me good enough. This is because, chances are I’ll never see them again. And I can say things I want to say, keep the things I don’t wanna say. They aren’t going to pester me to ‘tell them the whole thing’. They can only judge me on the basis of what I am, then and there. On the other hand, people around, who care shit about me and what I do, are the ones I fear. For they are gonna say anything, and just about ANYTHING that crosses their sick minds to people I love. People who love me. They hurt them. I hate them!
6. I fear losing my phone; and I mean, any phone that I have. It is one way I connect with many people. People, who are an important part of my life. People, without talking to whom my day is obsolete and incomplete.
7. I fear I don’t have a stomach inside me; I am not kidding! Seriously! I eat a lot.. like A LOT! And it still doesn’t reflect anywhere on my body. So at times I fear my food pipe’s directly connected to my intestines and everything I take in, gets out as it is =/
8. I fear my laptop will explode someday; It has already started giving me signals.. alarming temperatures, ‘fcuked up‘ Windows notifications and shutting down abruptly every now and then. I need a new laptop already!
10 Day ‘You’ Challenge – Day 2
8O yes, o yes, I are here. I know half of them must have bet I wouldn’t come back, and rest of them.. well, they have a life and better stuff to do. Let’s get started.
Day 2 – nine loves
First of all, for people who think this post is gonna be all about my crushes and relationships and family.. I hate to break the bubble, there’s not much of that. I know, the minute most people hear the word ‘Love’ they go gaga thinking about their crushes, about those moments they think they fell for that someone at those first glances; The latest ring or dress their boyfriend got them, their childhood ‘best’ pals and few of them will even say they are in ‘love’ with their favorite movie stars. My take? You have gone brainsick at some point in your life, if you think you are one of the latter! Yes, we do love people, we even ‘fall in love’ with them, more than once sometimes. But I feel love is not just about that. About loving people. You love yourself. You even ‘love’ things that you do. You ‘love’ music.. some selected genre or artist maybe. You ‘love’ them. And I say that because they help you with self-realization. They help you connect with yourself. They please you. Those ‘loves’ make every breath of yours count, and they make your life worth living for.
1. 
my sister; I know I haven’t been a good brother in years, but I am making up for that. I really am. For it’s always her smile, that gets me smiling; Her laugh, that makes me happy; Her love, that peps up my life and makes me wanna go achieve all my dreams in life.
2. my Mumma; and that’s not because she gave me birth, but because she has always paved the path for me to become the person of my dreams.. OUR dreams. And she might not be with me at times, but I know it’s just because she wants me to stand on my two feet and be the man, responsible for his own stuff.
3. my family; for bearing with all my wrongs and cherishing with me all those joyous moments of my life. Among them, I always feel safe, and loved, of course. Just knowing that one of them will always be with me every time I need someone, makes me happy and satisfied with everything I do.
4. the people close to my heart; and when I say that, I know that they know that I am talking about them. I keep saying it to them. We share(d) moments that for sure will be treasured until eternity, if not cherished all of them. In fact, I end my conversations with most of them with a ‘I love you’.
5. my sleep; I do. I find answers to most of my life’s mysteries (read ‘miseries’) when I am asleep. Though many of those answers are gone when I wake up but I like to know I had them once. And that one thought suffices enough to get me through any long, tiring day that follows.
6. the sky; I can keep looking at it for hours and not get bored of doing that. It soothes my eyes. However, I never exactly know what they are keeping looking for out there. No, definitely not aliens! Also it calms my soul and gives me peace.. the night sky, for most of it.
7. soft music; It lets me walk in and out of my world whenever I want to, whenever I need to. All I have to do is put on my earplugs, close my eyes and lie down on bed and I will forget all my fears and anxieties for the next hour or so.
8. writing; I know you must be thinking I can’t really claim to do that because I haven’t been writing for a while, but it’s just that I feel comfortable penning down my feelings. I believe it’s more effective an influence and lasts longer.
9. my mobile; There! I said it! And I mean it! It helps me connect with the people I love and those who are at far away places. My mobile and I share memories, most of which are really worth savoring. I never delete any of my messages. I always have a backup log.
Those right above, are my nine loves. See you tomorrow.
The words not said..
10I had a wish that you be mine, just mine. I wanted you to love me. And I wanted to be there always, to love you. If only I knew it was a mistake, that I was just being selfish. Selfish enough not to think what it would do to you.. what it will do to us. I know I did something wrong. Then why doesn’t it feel so wrong. It seemed perfect. Life felt so real. And I wanted to have it, all of it.
I am sorry I went overboard with our relation, it wasn’t meant to go that way. I am sorry I got carried away.. with it’s emotions, love and serenity. With you life seemed so perfectly perfect that I just didn’t want to give it up, ever. All I wanted was every bit of love that you got. I wanted other’s share of it too. You must think I was selfish. When all I was doing was being stupid. I made our lives so obscure to deal with. I made it so small to comfort in. You and me, that was it. What I thought and I always knew but never realized, never wanted to realize was that it could never happen. You and me, it could never be that way. Life would never be the way we could be happy, together. Life ain’t programmed to keep everyone forever happy. I wish it did. And I know you’d wish the same. But I don’t know why it always has to be the harsh way. I hate myself for bringing tears to your eyes, rolling them down those sweet lil’ cheeks of yours.. the same I used to kiss each time. But there’s no other way out, none that I know of.. can think of. None that I can see. I wish I could create a world of our own. Far from our fantasy land, a real world. I would never ever hurt you then. All I will do then is love you.
You, I want you to know something. You are the most beautiful thing that has ever occurred to me. Now at this point, there is no way I can imagine how my past years would have been had you not been there with me. I don’t even wanna give it a try! With you I felt joy, I felt content and happiness. I discovered love, it’s beauty far and beyond. Fair or not, it never mattered. You were always the pretty lil’ princess with a lost shoe for me. I would have never ever let anyone hurt you. But now I realize, that sooner or later it will be me, hurting you. And it hurts to know that. That pain, of hurting you, echoes inside the emptiness of my head, killing each part in my body. It feels, that I have you and still you aren’t there with me. I can feel you, but still can not touch you. I can hear you saying it to me, but I can’t see you in front of me. I wish this was a dream. A dream I would soon wake up to.
I don’t know if I am doing the right thing. It just, it will lessen the amount I feel bad for being with you, later on. I am sorry I was so busy loving you, cherishing the love from you that I didn’t realize it wasn’t meant for me. And that you would never be able to love anyone again. That we would never be able to love anyone again. How easy it was for you to get me to promise that I will move on if I ever find someone else I like. Damn I couldn’t even get you to promise me that. If, by any means, there’ll ever be a wish that someone could grant me, then it will be, that you find someone, someone who’s better, someone more deserving, and definitely more luckier than me. I wish you’d find him soon because I know he will worth it having you in his life. And he will never ever gonna let you miss me.. miss loving me. I do love you!
2010 : The end’s not near, it’s here!
13
So, finally we meet again! I know it’s been long, really long. And I am sorry. I have been struggling with stuff of my own. The year has been tough, and hard.. and bad. For one, I couldn’t live it up to mine or anyone’s expectations. I didn’t even try! Late, lazy mornings; an year without breakfast; skipping up on lectures at will; attending useless, boring meetings; dodging glares from unwanted, ugly people always on lookout for a prey; activities, that once meant recreation and have now gone rogue and outta control; a bad, bad writer’s block; issues with God, and family, and almost everyone who’s around; few screwed up relations; broken and unkept promises, being the cause of numerous tears that rolled down numerous pretty faces of those who love me; that’s what 2010 has been for me, mostly. Of course that’s not all of it! Like that one streak of silver lining peeping through the dark, black clouds that they couldn’t stop (and never would); I too have had my own precious and cherished memories from the year that’s now slowly but steadily ticking away. I can’t obviously write them all, here in this post. Some feelings cannot be put into words, while some are better when kept within the safe boundaries of your heart and brain.
Dee’s wedding; the time I had always feared to face and the time I realized I don’t anymore. There was nothing I could have done, nothing better I could have done. That was how it was supposed to be. How much I have wanted to be the only living person to love my sister(s), see that no one else can love them any more than I do. That was when I realized how stupid I had been all this while. Yes, I didn’t want her to go; because I thought going then would mean she’s leaving me behind. Pulling me out of her life. It’s now I realize what a jerk I had been!
When I bumped into a long-lost bestest friend; the time I had a zillion questions thumping my brain, all devastated to crackle my skull and burst open my head, and one of them actually did, “HOW ARE YOU!?” When what actually I meant to ask was, “How is it that your eyes still look so beautiful?” And then, “When did you come back?” No, I meant to ask, “Can I touch your face? It’s so shiny and white, and as innocent as pure pearl..” And the last one, before something (someone) abruptly took her away from me, again, “What have you been doing?” Ahhh, again. No. “I was such a jerk to have let you go. I am sorry. Can we be together again?” If only it were the right ones that popped outta my head.
Birthday 2k10; the time worth savoring. My first (and might be the last) birthday at college, I couldn’t have asked for more! Few punches, no beatings, no a$$ kickings or bumpies, my face and clothes all spared the fate of a trash can crumpled to its misery.. Man! THAT was a dream birthday I’d so long wished for! It’s always been fun to watch someone else get the beatings after you have had your share; but someone else having your share too, yeah, that was delightful! And to the person, who made my day, whom I never got a chance to hug (I’m sorry), or thank, I would have never known what I would have been missing had you not been there in my life. Thanks for walking into my room (and my life), and make sure you always close the door behind, for I am never let you gonna go!
A relation born so special, with a person so dear; the time I would wanna remember for ages and generations, and centuries to come! That one call, that one conversation, I never thought we would walk this far to a place, from where there’s no coming back. Not that I care, as long as I have you.. and that’s for eternity, I know. Thanking would not be enough, but I know you will understand. You always do. I don’t know how. I love you!
That’s more of it. My complete 2010. Also there are others I wanna thank, people I met, and whom I didn’t. For it was because of you both that my year was like it was. A person here, or a person there could have meant something else entirely. I couldn’t have missed upon any of the good times I had; so thank you all! And to those, whom I hurt, in any way, unknowingly that is, I am sorry. I really am. For the rest, yes I hurt you willingly! And no, I am not sorry for that. You should have known the reason I did so. If not, you should have searched for one; still didn’t get it, should have asked me. It wouldn’t have bothered me, for you are none of my concerns for the rest of the year. Yeah! You are lucky bi$h, I don’t carry my grudges into the next year. You have a chance to start afresh. WE have a chance.. Happy New Year!
Period.
Sometimes..
23Sometimes, here in this world… you feel as if you are left all alone, far away… You look around to see if anyone’s around, anyone… someone…. Someone you know… Someone you want to know… But there’s no one around, no one to care, no one who cares… That’s the time you need friends, that’s when you make friends!
When leaving for my college, I was sad. Desperate I was, to begin my college life… but that feeling of parting with friends was painful… It hurt, it still does. But at least, now I have, whom I would call, the best of friends. Before I came here in JUIT, I doubted if I would make friends, I doubted if I could still make friends. But here I got, undoubtedly the best, and perhaps for the first time, love beyond my expectations. Once again, life taught me, it’s better not to have expectations of anyone, about anything. Life never occurs the way you want it to be. There were times, when I needed my friends in my life, I wanted them to be there for me, and I wanted to be with them… But they weren’t. And now, when I wanted to be alone, when I wanted to stay away from all relations, everything, then I meet people with whom I can share everything and anything… with whom I can be the real me. But I don’t want this, really I don’t. Life has somehow been unfair. Each time I had loved someone from the core, each time I got spiritually attached to a person I have lost them outta my life. I am tired of it now. I’m left with no power whatsoever within, to bear another parting, seeing yet another person walking out of my life for no mistake of mine. It hurts. It would be good if I maintain a distance from the very beginning.. I don’t want to get addicted to someone; I don’t want someone to get addicted to me. When things never turn up as you want them to, I believed this was the only option I’m left with. I tried keeping to it. But at times I just can’t resist.. I feel I can’t keep a distance from them, but I do.. Somehow I convince myself. But the next moment I forget about it. It doesn’t bother me when people don’t share their feelings with me, but when a friend doesn’t, it does bother, a lot. That’s when I forget that it’s been me, who had been maintaining distance and not them. And that’s when it hurts again, and it’s more than the pain of losing a friend. Atleast there you know, there’s nothing you can do to get them back.. But here, you’ll have that “if only I knew” feeling, which makes you feel worse. Had a friend who one day, out of the blue, blurted out things on my face, which of course weren’t that good to hear, and when I came back to senses an hour later, I realized I had lost her.. After another hour passed, it dawned on me she never was my friend. Yes, if she would have been, she wouldn’t have left like this.. for no reason at all.. That’s another good thing about college. You learn to live and survive in the real world. Not all here who come forward as your friends are truly your friends.. I don’t think I need to explain this part. All of you must be having a good experience with this. Period.
Adiós 2009, here comes 2k10!
4Times come, and go.. Times, both good.. and bad. But they leave things behind.. things, like our memories.. memories, when we were happy, and when we were sad..
The world is all set to bid goodbye to the year 2009 (some of them already did it though, not all humans inherit regions lying in same time zone, remember?). Sigh, 2K9.. the year, not everyone survived (This post is a tribute to all those souls).. The year, not everyone lived the way they wanted to.. Some did, others didn’t. Most of the times, you ended up doing things you never wanted to.. and things ended up like, you never wanted them to. But it’s not that, always you regretted those things happening to you. You did enjoy it, atleast once! The year 2009, must be special, must have got something special for each one of us. For me, too, the year 2K9 had been a year with kaleidoscopic emotions, feelings good and bad.. changes both wanted and unwanted.. achievements, those that I deserved and others that I didn’t.. failures (always undesirable!).. friends, I feel lucky to have and will always do.
The start of the year was hectic enough. IIT-JEE, AIEEE, BITSAT, what not! Not that I was one of the studious types, whom you will always find surrounded by books with names and authors you never heard of! But then, the ones not lying in that group are the ones who have to struggle, right? Struggle to get through the syllabus once, or twice (or maybe thrice and more.. varies from person to person, the density however decreases as we go up!). Add to it your parents’ never ending hushes and pushes “Bas kuch din aur beta, mann lagakar padho”, “kuch mahino ki mehnat, aur fir masti hi masti”, “vanvaas toh kaat liya, raavan maarna baaki hai bas” and thousands like that, GOD! 3 Months of reckless studying, and certain constraints and clauses landed me in Jaypee University of Information Technology, Waknaghat (JUIT, Waknaghat in short). College, I would say, is not quite different than schools. What creates the difference is opportunity. You’ll get opportunities in abundance there. Opportunity to know your worth, your skills and prove it before the world. Opportunity to be what you longed to be, opportunity to live life the special way, you wanted to always. You’re no longer a sibling, you get to go on your own. (P.S. Some still don’t!) You feel like you once again entered the phase of your life you once passed through, long ago, when you were a kiddo.. and you just joined school. You don’t know anyone, you won’t have the same friends you once had with you. You got to make some new. Befriend, trust, help, love and get loved. Seems like life’s revolving around in a circle. You do things, you once did when you just joined your school. But it’s different this time. You’re a bit.. grown up. I won’t go into the details here. Let teen/college tv soaps do their work 
The year had been sort of ‘torturous‘ I would say. Making new relations, keeping them safe and happy, hurting few, ignoring others completely! But then that’s how it has to be. You try to balance stuff and yourself get dis-balanced. Hard it is to be happy, harder it is to keep others happy. I made new friends, many of them.. and I love to have them, be with them. Then there are some whom I met after quite some time, 2 years and plus.. that’s the duration. There were things I did, things I had always wished to do.. the magazine for instance.. and the robotics workshop. There were things that kept me away from some relations, that kept me from caring and loving them. I believe they will forgive me, and that we will be more closer the coming year, than we were. I’m sorry.
And here is a something, for the person with whom I share the most beautiful relation in this world. You know it’s you. Thanks, for being there for me at times when I needed someone to hug me, kiss me, take away all my sorrows, and pains. You taught me things, that I’ll never forget. The moments I spent with you, this year, will always cherish in my heart. I Love You!
2009, an year of ups and downs. An year of mixed emotions. Emotions bole toh..
Frustration, Hushes, Recklessness, Exams, Tension, Results, Dissapointment, More Results, More Dissapointment, Anger, Frustration, Period.
College, Freedom, Fresh Start, New Friends, Ugly Teachers, Pretty Seniors, Football, Exams, Results, Party, Happy, Magazine, F**k, Robotics Workshop, Yippie, More Exams, Results, Vacations.
Things don’t always end up the way you want them to, but I’m happy my year 2009, ends here on a good note. Before signing off, I wanna share some lines of William Arthur Wards. Here they are:
“Another fresh new year is here . . .
Another year to live!
To banish worry, doubt, and fear,
To love and laugh and give!
This bright new year is given me
To live each day with zest . . .
To daily grow and try to be
My highest and my best!
I have the opportunity
Once more to right some wrongs,
To pray for peace, to plant a tree,
And sing more joyful songs!”
Happy New Year 2K10
So friends, signing of is me, Ankur, in my last post of 2K9, in the last minute of 2K9, I wish you all a very happy 2010. Good Luck, Cheers.
