My Thoughts. My Ideas. My Vision. My World.
feelings
When Life appeared like a DREAM..!!
61 month ago
Girls are the crazy devotees of love stories and I am no different. Being an ardent admirer of love sagas, I had heard, watched and read hundreds of love stories. But this story was different, completely different than the rest, for me, because it is my love story, and for others as well, because there was something about this tale which made it extremely special.
My life has been special in its own way.. lovely family, great friends, good job and a simple lifestyle. There was nothing extraordinary that I could have shared with the others and the entire world. Being an introvert,I like keeping things to myself without even letting the others feel what all and how much is running through my head and my heart. My life is an open book, at least for the people who know me for I avoid sharing myself completely with anyone, not even with my closed ones. And then, there has always been a very special corner in the garden of my heart where everyday a new dream blossoms and now that corner has started blooming with the beauty and fragrance of those dreams which are utmost special for me. The dreams were many but the most special of all was the one which adorned the center of my little heart.. The dreams of my SKR i.e ‘Sapno ka Rajkumar’. And they were too precious to share with someone.
I could not picture him clearly in my heart, I mean how could I, that wasn’t practically possible but still I had imagined him in my daydreams. It was like i am watching that view from the back where he is holding my hands in his, taking me to an unknown yet fascinating place illuminated by the beaming moonlight. From the much I could understand from that scene was that he was very loving and extremely caring, completely lost in my eyes as if i was the only girl in this world, his girl, and tightening his grip on my arms as if he did not want me to go anywhere,not even for a second. And I, mesmerized by the charm of his love kept staring in his deep eyes which apparently explained the depth of his love for me. I thoroughly believed that there could not be such a soulful lad on this Earth before I met him.. or if I say ‘heard him‘.
October had just begun. It was a pleasant Sunday morning. I was reading my horoscope in Sunday times. ‘…. and this week some of the Scorpios may even find their love interest’ when my cellphone started playing its soothing ringtone. I had a call.. an unfamiliar call from a familiar number.( There can be many situations which will lead to the same statement,u may imagine anyone of them).
The voice that side was a kind one would love listening to – intense, mischievous yet gentle.
Him: Hello?
Me: Yes? May I know Who is speaking?
Him: I am speaking.
Me: Who ‘I’?
Him: Me.
Me: Whom do you want to talk to?
Him: You.
Me: Me? But i don’t know you.
Him: So what? You will come to know me.
Me: Are you telling me your name or i am keeping the phone.
Him: Keep it if you can.
Such was the confidence in his voice when he said that statement that i just could not keep the phone. After having heard his voice for just few minutes, i was so lost in his voice that i found it hard to press that red button. As if he had compelled me by just saying a few sentences. It took me a lot to disconnect that call. The next day, same time , my phone rang again. Seeing that familiar number,i received that call. It was him,once again. Our conversation began with the same set of question-answer round. I realized i wanted to talk to him. It was really strange on my part that a girl who has always been shy while talking to people, has always been so uncomfortable sharing her thoughts with the others, the same girl had been completely hypnotized by that voice.
He wanted to talk. I was trying to be resistant. But just trying. It was hard to control myself as if some outer force was overpowering all my efforts. And i was giving up. I had not met him. I had not even seen him. I had just heard him. But while talking to him, or rather listening to him, I used to feel as if I have been talking to him since years, I know him since I did not when. I had started losing control over myself. I had stopped making efforts to resist him and was swaying in the direction his words were taking me to. We started talking frequently.. everyday.. many times a day. The duration of our calls was stretching longer. And our conversation.. getting deeper and love- centered. Few days later, it was just him and me… deeply in love with each other.
Him: I don’t want to hear anything.
Me: I am sorry.. Suno toh..
Him: No.. I won’t talk to you.
Me: Achha!! For how long?
5 min? 3 min? 1 min?
Him: Never.
Me: Oooooh… Hmm… Let me see..
(I went closer to him.. stood right in front and placed my hand on his chin.. made him look into my eyes.. deep into my eyes. Few seconds later,we kissed. And all this happened while we were on phone.)
He stepped in my life and I forgot my SKR. May be, because I had already found my SKR in him. Or may be, there was so much of love filled in his words that i was completely fascinated in that different world i was residing in then and did not remember anything. His charm was just dragging me towards him every moment. He used to talk and I kept listening to him in amazement. He kept intensifying my average looks making me feel as I was the most beautiful girl on this Earth. I used to feel his warm touch even miles away from him. I found myself completely immersed in his immeasurable love. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to spend my entire life with him. I longed to take my last breath in his presence. I wanted to forget all those reasons which were stopping me from moving ahead. And I told him.. Everything. My life appeared like a dream. Only dreams could have been so beautiful. I was lost. Completely lost.
Yes. Only dreams appear to be so beautiful. When reality strikes, you get a hard blow on your heart which wakes you up from your deepest slumbers and shows you the bitter truth of life. Same thing happened with me as well. Though our hearts were deeply connected.. they are still connected, our lives will never meet. I have still not met him. I have neither captured a glimpse of him in my heart nor have I felt his warm touch. I know how immensely I have loved him. But I will always be more fortunate for having him than him for having myself for his love is deeper than mine. I have heard people saying that True Love stories never end.. And i truly believe in it. So I am moving on in my life having experienced the most beautiful moments. As they say, Don’t be sad that it’s over. Be glad that it happened. And in my case,it isn’t over.. it will never be over. Wherever You are.. I want you to know that I still Love you. And will keep loving forever.
Hi friends.. hope you liked this post. I am not an author. But I keep making such small attempts. This story is just a small piece of fiction which was running in my heart since a long time and i felt like sharing it with you all when Ankur invited me to write something for his blog. And thanks a lot Bhai for inviting me to your blog as a guest writer. I really feel honored to be here. Love u.
O Hosanna!
14I have never been the person who would happily share whatever he’s feeling, whenever he’s feeling with anyone who’s around. Unless being prodded about it for long, by few close ones that too, it never happened. Last night, I am surprised.. was an exception. An exception I’m not afraid or regret I made. Serene and silent was the night, and soft music were on loop. I was doing what I’m good at.. designing, chatting and facebook. Few (countable) number of chat tabs were open, I wasn’t talking with many of them though. The ones I was talking to, a dear college friend, an online pen pal and another random girl half my age who popped in from nowhere inquiring my whereabouts. Later on I found that she, like me, was also a great fan of Anushka’s performances. Kawai!
Now usually at that hour, I’d prefer doing my work, the way I like doing it the most.. listening to music, something decent and low that soothes my heart and soul. But.. it was perhaps something about yesterday that I did, that made me actually cherish those early night conversations over the usual. After sometime, it was just that dear friend from college, I was chatting with. The usual design talks took a detour and general chit chat was happening when I felt a sudden urge, a need to tell him things in detail. It seemed the perfect thing about that moment. The heart was doing the thinking, mind was processing the thoughts at its ease, and the fingers were playing in sync with the signals of the brain. I was actually typing out my fears, some of my real private moments I had with people I was related with, that, to put it in a decent way. And he was supportive, sweet enough to understand.
With that, adding to my already extrovertish mood, I came across this really, really beautiful song from A.R. Rahman Musical. The lyrics were penned down by Javed Akhtar, I guess. Here’s a glimpse -
60 seconds.. This, just a minute clip.. but the magic it left behind on me, my heart and my mind, only grew with time. For one, it has one of world’s best music director in its making.. second, it brought back memories from my past, few from my near past, rushing back from the deepest lockers of my heart, flashing before my eyes in an endless loop. That began happening every time I looked away or blinked. Amy Jackson might have been a British model, but every expression of hers in that song, resembled of a someone I had given up on thinking about for long. The video was left to play on loop. With that done, every passing minute, I was slipping a step deeper in that flurry memory lane of mine. This only added to the misery of my friend, or so I thought. My chat IMs were getting more frequent, faster and desperate. There I was, not just writing my deepest of cravings and feelings, but sharing them with someone very real. Not worrying about what he must be thinking of me, how he must be judging me.. all I wanted at that moment was to get it all out and tell someone how much I felt for her, how deep within me I still feel for her. What she meant for me back then, what she still means to me. I was telling that to him, but I felt as if a part of mine was speaking it back to me. As if every bit in me was trying to remind me how pretty she looked when she used to smile that way. And for the first time since we talked (not long back), I felt jealous of him.. the person who has her. But then the very next moment it hit me what I was saying. And it dawned on me how irritating I must have been for that friend I was chatting with.
I felt sorry, I must have been very irritating and very frustrating, really! To get all that from an otherwise conserved person, I can very well imagine how I must have felt. But he was sweet, sweet enough to have said it didn’t irritate him.. and that I didn’t actually get on his nerves with my messages popping out on his screen every few seconds. He added, he actually could understand what I was feeling. I really did feel sorry though, for he had to be a part of one of my unusual mood swings, but he didn’t mind. In fact he did try to cheer me up, change topics, I contributed too. Didn’t help much, to be honest. Heart, as you put it, can make you do wonderful things sometimes.. rest of the times, it just gets crazier!
P.S. For all those who were thinking they would see no more of me before New Year’s eve, sorry to break the bubble.. but it must have taken you by a surprise, right? Also, I am sorry I may or may not be there to share my version of the year this time. Why? I don’t know, I just don’t feel like. But then, I did say ‘may or may not’. Let’s just leave it to time. BUT.. there’ll be few surprise posts for your new year, as compensation. That’d my way of saying sorry. Till then, keep smiling, keep rocking and happy holidays! Gracias!
The words not said..
10I had a wish that you be mine, just mine. I wanted you to love me. And I wanted to be there always, to love you. If only I knew it was a mistake, that I was just being selfish. Selfish enough not to think what it would do to you.. what it will do to us. I know I did something wrong. Then why doesn’t it feel so wrong. It seemed perfect. Life felt so real. And I wanted to have it, all of it.
I am sorry I went overboard with our relation, it wasn’t meant to go that way. I am sorry I got carried away.. with it’s emotions, love and serenity. With you life seemed so perfectly perfect that I just didn’t want to give it up, ever. All I wanted was every bit of love that you got. I wanted other’s share of it too. You must think I was selfish. When all I was doing was being stupid. I made our lives so obscure to deal with. I made it so small to comfort in. You and me, that was it. What I thought and I always knew but never realized, never wanted to realize was that it could never happen. You and me, it could never be that way. Life would never be the way we could be happy, together. Life ain’t programmed to keep everyone forever happy. I wish it did. And I know you’d wish the same. But I don’t know why it always has to be the harsh way. I hate myself for bringing tears to your eyes, rolling them down those sweet lil’ cheeks of yours.. the same I used to kiss each time. But there’s no other way out, none that I know of.. can think of. None that I can see. I wish I could create a world of our own. Far from our fantasy land, a real world. I would never ever hurt you then. All I will do then is love you.
You, I want you to know something. You are the most beautiful thing that has ever occurred to me. Now at this point, there is no way I can imagine how my past years would have been had you not been there with me. I don’t even wanna give it a try! With you I felt joy, I felt content and happiness. I discovered love, it’s beauty far and beyond. Fair or not, it never mattered. You were always the pretty lil’ princess with a lost shoe for me. I would have never ever let anyone hurt you. But now I realize, that sooner or later it will be me, hurting you. And it hurts to know that. That pain, of hurting you, echoes inside the emptiness of my head, killing each part in my body. It feels, that I have you and still you aren’t there with me. I can feel you, but still can not touch you. I can hear you saying it to me, but I can’t see you in front of me. I wish this was a dream. A dream I would soon wake up to.
I don’t know if I am doing the right thing. It just, it will lessen the amount I feel bad for being with you, later on. I am sorry I was so busy loving you, cherishing the love from you that I didn’t realize it wasn’t meant for me. And that you would never be able to love anyone again. That we would never be able to love anyone again. How easy it was for you to get me to promise that I will move on if I ever find someone else I like. Damn I couldn’t even get you to promise me that. If, by any means, there’ll ever be a wish that someone could grant me, then it will be, that you find someone, someone who’s better, someone more deserving, and definitely more luckier than me. I wish you’d find him soon because I know he will worth it having you in his life. And he will never ever gonna let you miss me.. miss loving me. I do love you!
2010 : The end’s not near, it’s here!
13
So, finally we meet again! I know it’s been long, really long. And I am sorry. I have been struggling with stuff of my own. The year has been tough, and hard.. and bad. For one, I couldn’t live it up to mine or anyone’s expectations. I didn’t even try! Late, lazy mornings; an year without breakfast; skipping up on lectures at will; attending useless, boring meetings; dodging glares from unwanted, ugly people always on lookout for a prey; activities, that once meant recreation and have now gone rogue and outta control; a bad, bad writer’s block; issues with God, and family, and almost everyone who’s around; few screwed up relations; broken and unkept promises, being the cause of numerous tears that rolled down numerous pretty faces of those who love me; that’s what 2010 has been for me, mostly. Of course that’s not all of it! Like that one streak of silver lining peeping through the dark, black clouds that they couldn’t stop (and never would); I too have had my own precious and cherished memories from the year that’s now slowly but steadily ticking away. I can’t obviously write them all, here in this post. Some feelings cannot be put into words, while some are better when kept within the safe boundaries of your heart and brain.
Dee’s wedding; the time I had always feared to face and the time I realized I don’t anymore. There was nothing I could have done, nothing better I could have done. That was how it was supposed to be. How much I have wanted to be the only living person to love my sister(s), see that no one else can love them any more than I do. That was when I realized how stupid I had been all this while. Yes, I didn’t want her to go; because I thought going then would mean she’s leaving me behind. Pulling me out of her life. It’s now I realize what a jerk I had been!
When I bumped into a long-lost bestest friend; the time I had a zillion questions thumping my brain, all devastated to crackle my skull and burst open my head, and one of them actually did, “HOW ARE YOU!?” When what actually I meant to ask was, “How is it that your eyes still look so beautiful?” And then, “When did you come back?” No, I meant to ask, “Can I touch your face? It’s so shiny and white, and as innocent as pure pearl..” And the last one, before something (someone) abruptly took her away from me, again, “What have you been doing?” Ahhh, again. No. “I was such a jerk to have let you go. I am sorry. Can we be together again?” If only it were the right ones that popped outta my head.
Birthday 2k10; the time worth savoring. My first (and might be the last) birthday at college, I couldn’t have asked for more! Few punches, no beatings, no a$$ kickings or bumpies, my face and clothes all spared the fate of a trash can crumpled to its misery.. Man! THAT was a dream birthday I’d so long wished for! It’s always been fun to watch someone else get the beatings after you have had your share; but someone else having your share too, yeah, that was delightful! And to the person, who made my day, whom I never got a chance to hug (I’m sorry), or thank, I would have never known what I would have been missing had you not been there in my life. Thanks for walking into my room (and my life), and make sure you always close the door behind, for I am never let you gonna go!
A relation born so special, with a person so dear; the time I would wanna remember for ages and generations, and centuries to come! That one call, that one conversation, I never thought we would walk this far to a place, from where there’s no coming back. Not that I care, as long as I have you.. and that’s for eternity, I know. Thanking would not be enough, but I know you will understand. You always do. I don’t know how. I love you!
That’s more of it. My complete 2010. Also there are others I wanna thank, people I met, and whom I didn’t. For it was because of you both that my year was like it was. A person here, or a person there could have meant something else entirely. I couldn’t have missed upon any of the good times I had; so thank you all! And to those, whom I hurt, in any way, unknowingly that is, I am sorry. I really am. For the rest, yes I hurt you willingly! And no, I am not sorry for that. You should have known the reason I did so. If not, you should have searched for one; still didn’t get it, should have asked me. It wouldn’t have bothered me, for you are none of my concerns for the rest of the year. Yeah! You are lucky bi$h, I don’t carry my grudges into the next year. You have a chance to start afresh. WE have a chance.. Happy New Year!
Period.
