I have never been the person who would happily share whatever he’s feeling, whenever he’s feeling with anyone who’s around. Unless being prodded about it for long, by few close ones that too, it never happened. Last night, I am surprised.. was an exception. An exception I’m not afraid or regret I made. Serene and silent was the night, and soft music were on loop. I was doing what I’m good at.. designing, chatting and Facebook. Few (countable) chat tabs were open, I wasn’t talking with many of them though. The ones I was talking to, a dear college friend, an online pen pal and another random girl half my age who popped in from nowhere inquiring my whereabouts. Later on I found that she, like me, was also a great fan of Anushka’s performances. Kawai!
Now usually at that hour, I’d prefer doing my work, the way I like doing it the most.. listening to music, something decent and low that soothes my heart and soul. But it was perhaps something about yesterday that I did, that made me actually cherish those early night conversations over the usual. After sometime, it was just that dear friend from college, I was chatting with. The usual design talks took a detour and general chit chat was happening when I felt a sudden urge, a need to tell him things in detail. It seemed the perfect thing about that moment. The heart was doing the thinking, mind was processing the thoughts at its ease, and the fingers were playing in sync with the signals of the brain. I was actually typing out my fears, some of my real private moments I had with people I was related with, that, to put it in a decent way. And he was supportive, sweet enough to understand.
With that, adding to my already extrovertish mood, I came across this really, really beautiful song from A.R. Rahman Musical. The lyrics were penned down by Javed Akhtar, I guess. Here’s a glimpse –
60 seconds.. This, just a minute clip.. but the magic it left behind on me, my heart and my mind, only grew with time. For one, it has one of world’s best music director in its making.. second, it brought back memories from my past, few from my near past, rushing back from the deepest lockers of my heart, flashing before my eyes in an endless loop. That began happening every time I looked away or blinked. Amy Jackson might have been a British model, but every expression of hers in that song, resembled of a someone I had given up on thinking about for long. The video was left to play on loop. With that done, every passing minute, I was slipping a step deeper in that flurry memory lane of mine. This only added to the misery of my friend, or so I thought. My chat IMs were getting more frequent, faster and desperate. There I was, not just writing my deepest of cravings and feelings, but sharing them with someone very real. Not worrying about what he must be thinking of me, how he must be judging me.. all I wanted at that moment was to get it all out and tell someone how much I felt for her, how deep within me I still feel for her. What she meant for me back then, what she still means to me. I was telling that to him, but I felt as if a part of mine was speaking it back to me. As if every bit in me was trying to remind me how pretty she looked when she used to smile that way. And for the first time since we talked (not long back), I felt jealous of him.. the person she was with. But then the very next moment it hit me what I was saying. And it dawned on me how irritating I must have been for that friend I was chatting with.
I felt sorry, it must have been very irritating and frustrating, really! To get all that from an otherwise conserved person, I can very well imagine how I must have felt. But he was sweet, sweet enough to have said it didn’t irritate him.. and that I didn’t actually get on his nerves with my messages popping on his screen every few seconds. He added, he actually could understand what I was feeling. I really did feel sorry though, for he had to be a part of one of my unusual mood swings, but he didn’t mind. In fact he did try to cheer me up, change topics. I contributed too. Didn’t help much, to be honest. Heart, as you put it, can make you do wonderful things sometimes.. rest of the times, it just gets crazier!
P.S. For all those who were thinking they would see no more of me before New Year’s eve, sorry to break the bubble.. but it must have taken you by a surprise, right? Also, I am sorry I may or may not be there to share my version of the year this time. Why? I don’t know, I just don’t feel like. But then, I did say ‘may or may not’. Let’s just leave it to time. BUT.. there’ll be few surprise posts for your new year, as compensation. That’d my way of saying sorry. Till then, keep smiling, keep rocking and happy holidays! Gracias!