I was working on blog today and had been making some changes. Yes, after a long time. Some of them you might have already noticed, others you will get to know with time. Few of them, however, you might never notice. One of those changes would be that I have been cleaning it’s code for hours now and you can feel it’s result by the amount of time it takes for pages to load. Yup, they now load 80% faster. No, I am not kidding man. Ah, yes, I was trying to avoid what I really HAVE to write.
Day 3 – eight fears
Who likes talking about their fears? Or thinking about them for that matter? I don’t. And I am definitely not an exception with that one! As much as I know how I am gonna regret starting to write this one, there are friends who have been wanting to read this since my last post. I am talking about you, yes! Stop pestering me on IMs. Cool, now you are dancing! BAH!
1. I fear letting down my family; They have expectations, most of which I have failed to match with in my recent past. That makes it worse. In everything I do, I want to do.. that fear persists. You may say I am being highly conscious, I will say I am just making sure I don’t knowingly (or unknowingly), do something that would hurt them.
2. I fear losing the people I love; Now when I say that I don’t actually mean losing them, I get uneasy when they spend more time with other people than they do with me. I behave and act in a highly possessive manner and that gets them irritated, most of them. I know I will lose one of them one day for that thing I do. I like being pampered. I like being with them. And I like letting them know that I will love them more than anyone will ever do. I know it’s not good at my part, but I am honest when I say that I love to be the reason they smile, the reason for their laugh and their joy. Anyone else does that, I feel terrible.. and lonely. But I am trying, trying not to be that person anymore.
3. I fear forgetting the real me; Lately there’s been a lot of stuff I added to my ‘now-working-on’ list and surprisingly I have been working on them in actual. Now it turns out (as other’s say), I have started drifting away from people I have been close to. People who care for me.. who love me. I do assure them of being the same person I was years ago, but I know I haven’t been the same really. But that’s that, I am still the person who loves them and wants to be with them. I just believe it’s high time I start working on the dreams I built with them over the years.
4. I fear dying before I achieve my goals; People will tell me to be optimistic and think positive, I know. But I can not ‘not-fear’ this aspect of my life. I have no idea when or where my life comes to it’s end and everything I did to achieve my dreams and goals turns zero and equals to null. That doesn’t affect my work however. I will always give each work of mine the sweet time it requires. Also, I have certain fantasies in my bucket list that I would love to live, at least once during my life.
5. I fear people who know me less over complete strangers; In fact I feel more comfortable talking to strangers than people I know, people who don’t know me good enough. This is because, chances are I’ll never see them again. And I can say things I want to say, keep the things I don’t wanna say. They aren’t going to pester me to ‘tell them the whole thing’. They can only judge me on the basis of what I am, then and there. On the other hand, people around, who care shit about me and what I do, are the ones I fear. For they are gonna say anything, and just about ANYTHING that crosses their sick minds to people I love. People who love me. They hurt them. I hate them!
6. I fear losing my phone; and I mean, any phone that I have. It is one way I connect with many people. People, who are an important part of my life. People, without talking to whom my day is obsolete and incomplete.
7. I fear I don’t have a stomach inside me; I am not kidding! Seriously! I eat a lot.. like A LOT! And it still doesn’t reflect anywhere on my body. So at times I fear my food pipe’s directly connected to my intestines and everything I take in, gets out as it is =/
8. I fear my laptop will explode someday; It has already started giving me signals.. alarming temperatures, ‘fcuked up‘ Windows notifications and shutting down abruptly every now and then. I need a new laptop already!